Over the past several months, I’ve heard this question often: “How do I know when it’s time?” The spouse is supporting their loved one at home with 24/7 care or supervision and is flat-out exhausted. Is it time to consider assisted living?
“I want to keep him at home. I really do. I know that’s the best place for him. But I’m so tired. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
Thus begins a process fraught with guilt, anxiety, and grief.
Sometimes spouses have made promises to never put their loved one in a “home.” Or their children might say, “Dad isn’t really that bad. You can still manage him here.” Some see: “Mom, this is killing you. It’s time to start looking for a place for Dad.”
The dynamics differ from family to family, but one thing everyone seems to have in common is that the decision is gut-wrenching.
“How do I know when it’s time for services like in-home care or assisted living?” Answer: “You and your family have to know it, because we can’t tell you what to do.”
What we can do is provide some important things to consider:
- Safety – Is your loved one having difficulty physically navigating your home setting? Are there stairs that have become a risk for falls?
- Security – Are you concerned about your loved one leaving the house in the middle of the night? Even if you are providing 24/7 supervision, it simply isn’t possible to keep your eyes on someone every minute.
- Engagement – We all need purposeful activity. It’s a big part of what gives us meaning as human beings. Sometimes this becomes increasingly difficult for one person to provide another at home. There are times when a person living with dementia actually thrives in a structured residential setting where there are opportunities to socialize and engage in activities facilitated by trained recreation therapists.
- Relationship – You still love your spouse or parent with dementia. But the relationship has changed. Sometimes people say, “It’s like having a difficult teenager in the house again.” Or, “She acts like a toddler.” When you can take yourself out of the care-partner role, the love and tenderness that mark a marriage- or family-relationship have room to return. No, it will probably never be the way it once was. But it can be better.
- Sleep – A (mostly) uninterrupted night of sleep is a necessity for all of us. Our brains use that downtime to refresh and restore. When we are sleep-deprived, we not only experience changes in our thought processes, but our heart function can also be affected, and our ability to fight infections can be weakened. How are you sleeping?
- Your Health – Do an internal check. How often do you feel stressed or exhausted? Do you have activities or hobbies that provide respite and refreshment? What is your support system like? And ask your children or a close friend to weigh in as well. Sometimes we them to be our mirror.
So… how will you know when it’s time for more help? The Dementia Institute can’t tell you what to do, but we can provide guidance and help. Book your Personal Consultation today… ask us about our free dementia consultations and classes!
Rosemary Apol-Hoezee, RN, MPH, CPHRM, CDP
Dementia Specialist with the Dementia Institute
Info@Dementia-Institute.org