“She doesn’t know where she is, thinks it’s 1971, and doesn’t even remember my name… or that I’m her husband. What we once shared seems entirely gone. Do relationships still matter to people with dementia?”
A question like this was recently posed to the Dementia Institute.
To start, please send us your address and we’ll ship you a truckload of empathy. The question reveals uncertainty, pain, exhaustion, and loneliness. Underneath it is a faithful spouse, a devoted friend, a concerned grandson, a loving daughter. You’ve poured yourself for years into a relationship that now appears to have sprung a leak… a big hole in the bottom that seems to drain as quickly as you fill it.
To answer the question, I’d offer a resounding “YES! Relationships still matter in dementia. Big time.” Here’s why I answer that way:
Sure, there are some things that may be lost. Dementia may include the forgetting of labels of the connection between two (e.g., “husband,” “daughter,” “best friend”) or that the two of you are connected in that particular way.
But, there are also many things that may be retained. Though the relationship label might be forgotten, what you said might be forgotten, or what you did might be forgotten… what’s not soon forgotten is how you made them feel (Angelou 2003 or Buehner 1971, anyone?). Did you know that the warm feeling that comes with a mere minute or two of an engaging interaction can last upward of five hours, even in the late stages of dementia? Relationships are more than a label; they involve the way people behave to each other. And that’s still a big deal to someone living with dementia.
The Scientific Evidence
You’ve probably heard of the “feel-good hormones” dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and endorphins. They increase with social interaction. But these hormones have more than just a “feel good” effect on dementia; they also appear to reduce the risk of getting dementia in the first place. One study even found that larger households are correlated with reduced dementia mortality1 (makes me give more thought to dementia-specialized senior living communities). In mice models, oxytocin went so far as to reverse cognitive impairment in one type of dementia2. Negatively, social isolation stress accelerates the onset of Alzheimer’s Disease3. A broad literature review on this subject concluded, “This review underscores the need for increased socialization in managing Alzheimer’s Disease”4.
A Spiritual Point of View
I like Christianity’s perspective on this too. God designed us in His image, especially for loving relationships with Him and with others. Thankfully, as we’ve seen here, dementia doesn’t eliminate my ability to love or feel others’ love. Also, family and friends might find encouragement from passages like Luke 14:12-14 that promise blessing when we focus relationship energy on what we give, not what we get. Your loved one’s brain change might affect how they communicate love or appreciation back to you, but let’s not let that dissuade us from engaging them in a relationship they both appreciate and desperately need. Perhaps you’re motivated to reinvest in the relationship with your wife, your grandpa, your neighbor, or the woman from church you haven’t visited in a while… but you feel stuck: how to do it is tough. Can we help? Dementia Specialists from the Dementia Institute have been helping people maintain and build relationships for a long time, and you might consider booking a confidential consultation with one of our dementia specialists, Rosemary or Lois. Your relationship with your loved one matters to us too.
Curt Gritters, RN, BSN, MBA
Director, Dementia Institute
Learn more about personal consultations at the link below.
- You W., Henneberg M. Large household reduces dementia mortality: A cross-sectional data analysis of 183 populations. PLoS ONE. 2022;17:e0263309.
- Takahashi J., Yamada D., Ueta Y., Iwai T., Koga E., Tanabe M., Oka J.-I., Saitoh A. Oxytocin reverses A beta-induced impairment of hippocampal synaptic plasticity in mice. Biochem. Biophys. Res. Commun.
- Peterman J.L., White J.D., Calcagno A., Hagen C., Quiring M., Paulhus K., Gurney T., Eimerbrink M.J., Curtis M., Boehm G.W., et al. Prolonged isolation stress accelerates the onset of Alzheimer’s disease-related pathology in 5xFAD mice despite running wheels and environmental enrichment. Behav. Brain Res. 2020;379:112366.
- Takahashi J, Yamada D, Nagano W, Saitoh A. The Role of Oxytocin in Alzheimer’s Disease and Its Relationship with Social Interaction. Cells. 2023 Oct 10;12(20):2426. doi: 10.3390/cells12202426. PMID: 37887270; PMCID: PMC10604997.